Disclaimer: By reading this piece, you hereby acknowledge that the following INS and OUTS are legally binding from the moment you lay eyes on them. Any failure to abstain from the OUTS or fully embrace the INS may result in intentional and unavoidable consequences dealt directly by the universe. While these declarations have absolutely no bearing on reality, they are mandatory for maintaining cosmic balance and personal integrity. If you have previously been a victim of any OUTS or an active hater of any INS, you are obligated to course correct immediately to avoid catastrophic repercussions.

Disclaimer: By continuing to read, you acknowledge that you, too, would act differently if AI said you looked like Sofía Vergara, even if you don’t (I do).

Disclaimer: Any references to trust funds, bad personalities, or the slow death of my attention span are entirely factual and meant to be taken as gospel. If you feel personally attacked, it’s probably because I’m right. Read responsibly, and remember: I’m like 6 partnerships away from the Tarte Island invite.