Happy Valentines Month..Here's every ‘boyfriend’ I've ever had
Happy Valentine's Day Month! <3 I am valentine-less, so much so that my friends and I booked the sexiest valentines date spot for the 3 of us to go get weird looks and fight lesbian allegations on the 14th. But it's time to unpack literally every ‘boyfriend’ or crush I've ever had.
For the purposes of this article and to maintain my journalistic integrity I've obviously changed names but feel free to contact me if you think you are on the list, I'd love to hear from you. If you think you should be on the list, I'd love to hear from you. If someone you love is on the list, I'd love to hear from you. If you want full government names of anyone on this list, send me $20.
I have said it before and I will say it again: I can survive anything with a crush. The more the merrier, the less they like me the merrier, the more awkward the merrier. In school I had so many boyfriends I itemized them in a table by Government Name, nicknames, like level, physical description, main issues and redeemable traits. This is not the norm or the case for pretty much the rest of my life, just a very special time for me that I hold near and dear. Through most of college I kept a WBOTM (white boy of the month), which was mostly just a miscellaneous man that I was probably torturing in a group project. In highschool I was busy with a situationship that brought me literally legal action and emotional trauma I still have, so I was weak on crushes back then. Now that I live in a hick town my options are quiet, but that's kind of why I want to comb through my previous boyfriends/crushes and maybe find a list of qualities I like and then I'll either finally hit therapy or re-download hinge.
We should probably clarify the whole boyfriend/crush thing. To me a boyfriend is a man that I regularly communicate with who's at least relatively attractive and a crush is someone I actually like and that's it, if I knew a man that didn't fall in one of these categories, they were just a girl. In fact, here's a direct copy and paste from my boyfriend tracker with qualifications: If they were ¾ they made the list, a rigorous vetting process.
Basic Qualifications:
(unfortunately not exclusive but it’s the goal)
taller than me
follows me back on instagram
I would willingly show my friends a picture (under duress is ok)
doesn’t actively hate me
I've split up the final list of 20 boyfriends in recent memory into 4 categories: Top 3, Boyfriends that were just there, Real crushes that didn't make top 3, boyfriends that could be crushes if I got another go and honorable mentions. Well discuss, summarize and then we'll pull out the next steps.
Heavy hitters, the cream of the crop, the ones I would go back for, boys I would probably leave my husband at the altar for, my top 3 all time crushes.
Jake Anderson
Were not falling in love on the dance floor were falling in love in the Leeds School of Business, the original WBOTM. I think this is my one that got away fr. I cried when I found out he had a girlfriend at the time, I vividly remember exactly what I was wearing when I made a bitchy quip about a sorority on campus and he said “hey my girlfriends a **” I think my jaw dropped and I thought I was going to burst into tears. I'm feeling sick writing this. Every time we catch up, I go through the five stages of grief in under 30 minutes.
5/5 stars, devastating loss.
Josh Carter
This is the winner for most delusional crush because there's actually no reason that I liked him. He had a substance abuse problem and I only ever saw him at the bar, I never even had his phone number. He was like 6’5 and blonde so I stand by it. Couldn’t pick his voice out of a lineup but if I saw him across a bar I would risk it all again.
3/5 stars, was he my soulmate or just tall at my favorite bar?
Ryan Miller
I would genuinely drop everything in my life and move anywhere he asked for 15 minutes. I can't put a finger on why I'm so sure about him, probably the Amex. I just feel deeply charmed. I can't put it into words. I literally don't know much about his current life, I try not to think about it ever. He haunts my camera roll and I will likely never feel peace about it.
6/5 stars, call me.
Boyfriends I didn't really like like at all but they were there
Kyle Wilson
Loyal story liker. Artsy instagram - sickening.
3.5/5 stars, consistent engagement but no real impact.
Chris Thompson
I recently looked at his linkedIn, really nice guy. I love a chatty boy.
3.5/5 stars, would play cards with him.
Matt Turner
Maybe like second husband material. Definitely liked my friend more than me but it was entertaining at least.
5/5 stars, for wanting to hangout with me.
Luke Harris
I think he was a boyfriend bc I would see him out once a quarter and he always wanted to talk to me. Very nice, VERY famous.
4/5 stars, one of the few men I respect.
Zach Parker
No greater passion of mine than highschool alumni. I actually think that if I lived in/near my hometown I would run this up. Also 6’5 and blonde.
4.5/5 stars, hometown nostalgia factor is strong.
Anyone I gave my phone number to on a dating app
I'm exhausted. I'll ghost you and feel bad about it. 0/5 stars, I'm sorry.
Boyfriends that would probably be crushes if I actually locked in.
Ben Robinson
This one is such a banger to me. I hope he reads this blog. I'm hoping for a friend's wedding to lock in on this one, and I'm biding my time until then.
4.5/5 stars, so hot, so unattainable.
Adam Clark
This boy needs to be studied because he is so famous amongst my friends. I think everyone has a crush on him, yet he's never played into any of it. Every time I see him I tell him I have a crush on him and to call me and he never does. But he gets points for flirting back at me. One time we were at the bar and he wanted to go somewhere else and I said I'd go for 10 minutes if he kissed me and he said how about we go for 15 and we can makeout (we didn't), that was my peak.
5/5 stars, so famous among my friends that I think I’m in a cult.
Nick Evans
This one is so so so famous to me because it was like an enemies to lovers (friends) situation because I actually hated him and felt deeply bullied by him for the first 2 months of knowing him. He turned out to be an actually super super nice guy and I look back fondly. Also tall and blondish.
4/5 stars, for character development.
Sean Scott
There is something so special about this crush because he was my next door neighbor and so famous to me and my roommates. Nice guy, he does something for work and has a long term girlfriend. Good for her.
3.5/5 stars, the proximity factor made this feel more serious than it was.
Ethan White
My only crush freshman year of college! My most embarrassing moment of college came from this guy. I actively cringe everytime I think about it and dont think I'll be able to discuss it until 2034. Also tall and blondish.
2/5 stars, an embarrassing moment ruined my life but I take full responsibility.
Real Crushes, just not quite top 3
Alex Collins
Boss at the pool I worked at, he was like 4 years older than me and I thought he was the coolest and sweetest man I've ever met. I actually still think we'd be really happy together. Call me.
4.5/5 stars, would’ve been the best man I ever dated.
Jason Parker
The only man to ever stand me up for plans (this is a lie but I'm not ready to discuss the most recent time). Lunch plans. Junior in high school. I gathered all of my 16 years of courage to ask if he wanted to go to lunch during Spanish 4 and then blushed so hard when he said yes I had to leave the room. I woke up extra early to do my hair (and eyeliner probably) and he then proceeded to forget about these plans. I was heartbroken. If you recognize the last name from a proceeding section, I do fear they share a bloodline. Also 6’5 and blonde.
⅗ stars, my feelings were actually kinda hurt.
Dylan Brooks
Winner of most inappropriate crush, because technically I was in a position of power when I met him. Fired off the most banger text I've ever sent to this man though… “office hours at the attic”.
4/5 stars, professional ethics violation.
Honorable Mentions, slide in and out of categories, IDK where to put them.
My derivatives professor
I almost switched out of this class because derivatives kind of traumatized me in my first semester of grad school but then I showed up and immediately fell in love with my professor and didn't drop the class. I used to wear makeup and do my makeup for class on Tuesdays and Thursdays literally only because I had a crush on him. I ended that class with an A and I know fuck all about derivatives so he’s either a feminist or has a crush on me too.
1000/5 stars, I'm blushing. This was either the greatest academic crush of all time or the worst case of Stockholm Syndrome my university has ever seen.
My friend Jennas little brother
I literally don't know if this is a bit or not. It was definitely a bit but idk where it stands now. I went to his 20th birthday party unironically. I think his mom would be thrilled and I think Jenna has given up on having an opinion on it.
5/5 stars, for putting up with it. This either ends in a wedding or an intervention.
Looking back at all my crushes and boyfriends, it's clear that I’m drawn to a mix of height, charm, and a lot of unavailability. Going to have to take to a spreadsheet to see the exact correlation between tall blondes and my wellbeing. Huge thanks to the ones that are just there, for entertaining me in my darkest hours, I truly hope you are all well.
As for next steps? I’ll probably re-download Hinge, or, realistically, I’ll stay in my daydreams while I sort through therapy options. Perhaps I’ll unpack why my ideal type is “would absolutely ignore me in a crowded room but might text back in three to five business days.” Or maybe I’ll write a book about finding the answer to the question: can the girl who has historically fallen for men she’s never had a private conversation with finally break the cycle? Anyways, I’d like to extend my deepest gratitude to the men who have unknowingly contributed to my journalism this week. Though, I'm guessing you're not reading this afternoon. Without you, I’d be a much more stable and well-adjusted person. But that's on me. I'd love to hear from you.
Happy Valentine's day month. Here's to the next tall man I make eye contact with being the love of my life. If not, see you at the Crystal. Cheers.