My job made me uncool, the second I get my cool back, I'm cancelled, let's discuss.
Working in finance has had a curious effect on me. An unexpected effect, for sure. It has made me less cool. I fear I’m simply not the type. I lack the necessary credentials: I am not a white man in NYC or SF, clocking in at 5’10”–6’3”, with a curated collection of Alpha Phi hoodies and a moral compass so deregulated it makes the SEC sweat.
And let’s be clear…this is NOT a “being a woman in finance is hard” monologue. That is not the issue. The issue is that I have been cancelled. Being a woman in finance has honestly been such a banger. I’m always the prettiest girl in the room and I've never had an introduction go harder than “oh I work in finance”, it's like 97% of why I got the degree in the first place.
I want to clarify my current role in the finance bro realm, I work in a niche town, at an unrecognizable company and my current connection to finance leans a little more corporate than investment. However, I have it in me, I'm even on the way to a charter to prove my niche-ness. Consider me credible. So if I have all of that, why am I so uncool? It may have something to do with the town I find myself in, one I (mostly) affectionately refer to as a hick town, there's no Sephora and no Amazon 2 day shipping, both of which I consider basically human rights. And a severe lack of a big friend group. I have always been a proponent of you know alot about people, especially women, on their ability to make and keep a friend group. And I was always that girl, the only time I've been without a big(ish) friend group was in the Crash out of 2019 and right now, which connects two very big dots. It might also have to do with the increasingly common situation: I-have-a-masters-degree but-I-make-no-money-so-I'm-living-with-my-parents trope. My parents are lovely, but the whole living in their house at 23, out in the sticks, could be causing some issues. I've lost control of my personality in the last 8 months, my current personality is bad. And not bad in the good way it always had been. My current personality? Bad. And not “bad” in the fun, sexy, malicious way it used to be. And I will say this isn't current, I'm a new animal this week, but last month? Well start there. I was meak, quiet in meetings, anti social, crochet-er, genuinely a fucking loser. That all being said, I've always been a crashout, but my biggest crash outs have led me to great things, yet here I am. A crashout. In a hick town. Grounded. Forced planning for improved performance.
In finance, you can commit CRIMES, actual crimes—insider trading, market manipulation, full-blown securities fraud and get a higher bonus AND a job at Citadel. So why have I been prescribed the electric chair?
I received my cancellation notice in the form of a stern email. No appeal process. Straight to jail. I was grounded. Sent to my room. Because despite my birth year, my academic accolades, and my work history, I'm apparently 14 years old. Some conversations were had, some paperwork was shuffled, and before I knew it, I was sentenced to the finance industry’s version of capital punishment—a PIP. A Performance Improvement Plan. The tool of choice for corporate exile. Now, let me clarify—performance has never been an issue in my life. The only blue pill I acknowledge is Adderall. The allegations in question are divisive. I know my performance is good. I know my attitude is bad. But here we are, no distinction between a bad attitude and bad performance. I can be a good girl for 90 days. And frankly? I can do average In. My. Sleep.
But let’s quickly rewind to my first cancellation—The Grand Crash Out of 2019. Different setting. Same type of girl. Suspiciously similar dramatic punishment. Back then, my crimes were real. I was running an illegal operation out of a Volvo. Victimless crime, honestly. And how did that turn out? I got suspended (the high school equivalent of a PIP), and yet, within three months, I had:
A 4.7 GPA
A National Honor Society Presidency
More social capital than ever because I didn’t snitch…(Interesting that even at 17, I knew snitching was the wrong choice!)
So, in all honesty? I have never been less concerned about something in my life. A PIP is a brutal slap on the wrist, sure, but it quite literally gave me my personality back. For months, I had been off. A shell of myself. My corporate life in a hick town had turned me into the most pathetic version of myself:
Meak
Quiet in meetings
Crocheter
A TOTAL loser, I would have bullied myself in middle school.
This is not the natural order of things. I have never been bright and shiny. There has always been an air of emo surrounding me, a dangerous amount of self-confidence, and a deep commitment to the bit. So I’m not saying this PIP is making me bright and shiny, but I am saying, I am slay again.I played too much. I let my bitchy, decisive, bearing-on-evil, overconfident personality go. And this? Reminded me just how capable I am of being the worst person in the room. And I look forward to being worse…personality wise, my performance will be better. I've been forced into a very much needed rebrand. And this time? I have a whole platform to speak my truth. You will hear it. I'm about to get the most improved award, I will be so compliant it will make them uncomfortable, I will take every meeting note in calligraphy, I will print out every email and get it notarized, I will CC Jesus Christ himself on every thread if needed.
Cheers to being reformed.