Lets talk TikTok

In the 12 hours we did not have access to TikTok, I wanted to hold space for those I feel like were affected most deeply…

• Those who ‘never downloaded TikTok’.

  • Especially those who were worried that ‘China will steal our data’. You were real for that.

  • How are instagram reels? Should I pursue that?

• Blondes that quit their jobs to pursue influencing.

  • Girls, I think about you all the time. I hope you continue to fight the good fight (Revolve) and I’ll see you next year on Tarte Island.

• Stay at home moms.

  • especially those who render tallow and/or have trust funds.

• Teenagers that made edits of the following people:

  • Jacob Elordi.

  • Timothée Chalamet.

  • Anyone from Game of Thrones or House of the Dragon.

  • Cillian Murphy.

    • !!!!!!!!!!!!

SPACE

SPACE

Space held.

Unlike the innovators (ok strategy degree) I was too emo in middle school then too bitchy in high school to download Musically, so I joined when the rest of the world did, during covid. I vividly remember…absolutely nothing about my origins on the app! I know that I had yet to adopt my undercover personality, and my first account was simply under firstnamelastname69. Classic.

I had one viral video on the original account, that was based off of the vlog squad (so 2020) and taken down for harassment. Like literally thats all I remember until I got back on, under my pseudonym this time because I realized at some point I should probably have a job and I wanted the creative freedom to speak my truth to the internet (full circle moment: give me your email for my blog distro list). I had a couple series that ran for 3-6 business days until I wasn't famous, 2 back to back 10k+ videos until I wasn't famous, and 1 video that got likes on it literally through Saturday January 18th. I do want to discuss that really fast; it was a video of me ‘studying’ to Sail by Awol Nation based on a reference to Spencer Hastings and Ezra Fitz, unsurprisingly I failed that test. TO ME: KELSEY JAMES 234 WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS AND NO ONE CAN TAKE AWAY MY 73 FOLLOWERS. I had one tik tok crush that followed me back then unfollowed after my DM, that one girl that is insufferable from barstool (loose description: recent boob job, crippling ED, bad personality) blocked me and one time my comment on a random video got like 5k likes.

I adopted a TON of TikTok references into my lexicon that I will now share:

• “uh, James?” - Friend group vocabulary never recovered.

• “I’ll hold your hand when I say this” - Weekly Usage.

• “Today drained me” - Daily Usage.

• Debby Ryan Hair Tuck - Daily Usage.

• “Cheugy” - Not actually sure if this is TikTok provided but I think I wouldn't use it that much if not for TikTok, I now call all my loved ones Cheugy.

• “CEO of ______” - Weekly Usage.

• “Rent Free” - Weekly Usage.

• “Roman Empire” - Weekly Usage.

• “Its the _____ for me” - Weekly Usage.

• “But go off” - Weekly Usage.

Unfortunately theres definitely more, but typing out that list gave me 10 pieces of irrefutable evidence that my brain is rotted. So over.

So, what now? If we have TikTok this morning, will we have it tomorrow? Who knows! And if it gets taken away again, I estimate I’ll have 1–3 hours of free time daily. I didn’t realize it was this deep until I caught myself trying to open TikTok six times in three minutes while scrolling Twitter and texting. Deep down, I am an intellectual—a woman of letters, a cultural savant, a lifelong learner, a thinker and even could be considered highbrow. My Spencer Hastings video proves this. So why is my attention span non-existent? Embarrassing.

Luckily, the blogosphere is SO back. Together we can bring our attention spans SO back, in addition to scrolling mindlessly. A close personal mystery friend recently discovered news is expensive, so we’re skipping that for now. I have an NYT games subscription so I’m basically covered anyway. I think theres other hobbies. Like maybe having friends, I’m abstaining from this right now just based on my bad personality. Gym and working out could be cool, but I have a pilates and Planet Fitness membership so I basically don’t even have to go and it still counts. Reading is awesome but now that we don’t have TikTok I’m not sure where cool girls will get book recs. Spending money will always be an excellent hobby, with no risk, especially on a credit card! BUT, instead (or after your morning scroll), just read my blog. Tell people about it. Help me retire in peace.